My computer broke during Mercury retrograde in Libra. Go figure. It was the same day I made the decision to write every day.
‘Writing’ in this scenario though really meant typing because with the pacing and scheduling of life right now, there is no time to use a pen.
I see how this electronic failure has now spread across my week into slow-downs. Rocks in my path. So at this moment I am typing on my little iPad Pro, making do – making it work. Writing because it has been too long now and my brain is too full with the heaviness of my heart.
I find I spend too much time, still, being the harsh coach and parent with myself.
Stand up straighter, do it faster, better, more more more. Quick Quick Quick.
This habit is so much better at this point in my 40’s. Even at its worst these days it comes less frequently and stays for visits in shorter spurts, it is still a work in progress.
It has been two weeks off of my nearly 2 year adventure in solo parenting and I am already seeing my old habits whisper …
“Why haven’t you lost this stress weight yet?”
“Why aren’t you lifting weights already, and hiking and doing yoga and meditating and building your business right back to where it was after 10 years in Los Angeles?”
“Why are you still struggling? Jesus Move it! You have help now get your ass going!”
Yes I am meditating, yes I am doing yoga, yes I am back to walking a bit more but the work, the rocks in my path, it is this voice.
Here is it again. Okay, let’s talk to this voice.
Continuing to love myself rather than hate myself through my very human journey. Not investing in the concerns over if my writing is appreciated or understood or makes any sense or anyone but me and sharing it anyway.
Moving forward and loving, rather than criticizing myself for who I am, what feels good, what I need and what I do about that.
Today I’m taking a break. I hear the whispers of my body to pause and at the same time I feel the flame of my heart burning with all my suppressed desires over these 2 years. Not easy to pause and listen but I have learned and do not wish to repeat those harsh lessons.
The wisdom I have gained is knowing the difference between the lying harsh critic, my hearts true mission and the reality of my bodies needs to carry that out.
My wisdom is gentleness when harshness creeps in. No abusers allowed her. This is my sacred space.